Finding myself in all of this mess is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Here is my journey, raw, and in detail.
I had to walk through a lot of darkness leaning on blind faith before anything could make sense. I was confused but I just had to trust that all of this was a part of God's plan and through it, there would be blessings.
Diagnosis
My diagnosis was more of a relief than a revelation.
I knew I had been having pain and there was a real cause. Not everyone believed me, though. It's just growing pains. Maybe I just jammed my fingers. My knees hurt because I'm dancing so much and working hard. No, that knuckle wasn't malformed, that's just where I rest my phone when I'm texting. So many people figured that it was just normal teenager-y stuff. I was hurting but I didn't know why so I just figured that, too. I'm 16 and clumsy and potentially still growing, so these explanations made sense.
Even so, I was experiencing a pain like nothing I'd felt before so when I was diagnosed, it all made sense. I wasn't crazy, growing, jamming my fingers into things, etc. I was relieved. Something could finally be done!
Depression
I was relieved to have an answer until reality hit me: I'd be living with this disease for the rest of my life. There is no cure (yet) and I'll feel the effects forever. I was so sick at the time, as well. (I had walking pneumonia for ten weeks.) I had skipped so much school that I was failing classes and everything started to get to me. I was bitter, closed-off, angry and so sad. I got so in my head. I started to believe that this disease was God's way of telling me that my life isn't worth anything to Him. I started to believe that my friends had those same thoughts. I felt so worthless and tired and just so sad. I felt like I couldn't do anything. Merely getting out of bed exhausted me. I had days where I just wanted to die. Sometimes, I thought that would be the perfect solution...
Discovery
Through this disease rather than in spite of it, I have found myself.
Boy am I grateful to be a child of God. Without Him, I don't think I would still be here. I believe that I have been defined through God. I mentioned this earlier, I am not my disease. What I do see myself as, however, is a child of God. Have you ever listened to the song "Good Good Father"? He sings "I'm loved by you. It's who I am." I've been able to discover and identify myself as loved by God. That's exactly who I am and that's all that I need to define myself.
A Thorn in the Flesh
From a sermon I heard this morning:
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
The apostle, Paul, was given what he calls "a thorn in the flesh." What it was, we don't exactly know, but God gave him this ailment so that he would not become conceited and so that in every victory, Paul could see God and credit Him. I believe God has also blessed me with a thorn in the flesh. Yes, I said blessed. Because of my condition, I praise God through every good work because I know it is only by Him that it has been done. I praise Him because He is the reason I overcame depression. He is the reason I'm able to be before you and write these posts about my diagnosis. He's the reason I can overcome physical obstacles and get stronger and push harder every day. He's the reason I have so much security in who I am. God is my reason.
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